ksjdksjdfkl

after being on an emotional rollercoaster for 4 months
i finally realized that he will never treat me the way i deserve
and even though i ended this, it is still so hard.

he says he cares but he never shows it
im thinking about saying my goodbyes

whats new whats new
I need to stop skipping out on the gym, i dont suppose riding my bike in 10 min intervals helps much
i spend my days between class and the library zoning out with my new toy( blue ipod yippee)
i need money and a better job
the real world looms over me, i'm starting to dread the future, my stomach ties in knots when i think about it
i'm trying to do good this quarter but my rediculous emotions are going crazy
and my friends, theyve all moved away and graduated
the oncoming cold weather always makes me so lonely
it makes me ache for love

latly i have not been feeling good, not physically, more emotionally, i havnt figured out a cure yet
but i will

pft
its just one of those days
keep on truckin...

when i was younger i thought love was like every HIM song ive ever heard
now i know better
im stuck in between this grey area
i dont want to be tied down
yet i dont want to drop what might be the best guy ill ever met
ive changed from that sad pathetic girl a year ago
thank god

a girl died from davis, my bf knew her, she crashed on the same highway that ill be driving everyday to work this summer. a lot of people knew those 2 girls that died and they keep talking to me about it, and i go on through life like im invincible, now i dont feel so anymore
id like that feeling back because i dont like thinking about loosing people that mean so much to me.

school is almost over, i feel like im waasting my time, i need to get out of here
this summmmer will be great, i cant wait to work my ass off, make money, and visit sd every chance i get.

haha
wtf
i got the job
yay?

ahah
i love watching this

After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises...

And you learn to build all your roads on today,
Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight...

-veronica shoffstall

This quarter is hectic
in my econometrics class,
all the guys look like potential geeks for Beauty and the Geek
now thats hot.

policemen who give you a ride to town when your car breaks down
are alright in my book

Last night was so money

I’m not speaking figuratively

it was high class partying

I spent most of it on the balcony overlooking the lake

smoking a hooka and chatting with the Italian boy that let me take hit after hit

I was introduced to just about everyone there but I never saw one single face

The lighting was that bad

There was catered Indian food, vegetarian of course, and sushi

And alcohol

Lots of it

Grey goose

was gone

so I chewed on ice and

sipped baileys instead

 

in other exciting news

I got my palm read yesterday

apparently i have a long and simple life

but my education line is growing thin

way thin

which blows if i believed this shit

but i dont

the one part that did make me kinda smile inside was the loyalty, apparently i am a very loyal person and i will have 2 loves that i would be totally taken in by

the last one will be the ONE because that line was the thickest

and i still believe in the whole falling completly in love and being swept off your feet part so i guess i can feel kinda giddy about that ;)

Last weekend i went to the gay pride festival in sf

it was very pleasant

the first thing i saw when i got there was a naked man's butt cheeks

followed by me quickly crossing my fingers

praying that he wouldn't turn around

of course he did

i mean OF COURSE

i am dian after all and the world is against me

i think i threw up a little on the inside

anyways

it was a completely different atmosphere

i saw lots of guy on guy action (hot guy on guy action might i add) ;)

lots of butch women going at it and enough boobies to last me a good while

 

but before you start thinking im against that or anything

i really enjoyed this experience, it was so nice to see people genuinely proud to be themselves and that feeling was contagious and i didnt feel awkward at all

so while i may not have much gay pride myself i def wholeheartly support it

 

not that this is the only reason i went, (well, yea it was) but 3eb played at this (as lauren would say) "festive" festival

and i would never miss the chance to see my beloved 3eb

 

i mean i still thinking tony is a worthless piece of shit guitarist but i love this band

and it was a pretty descent show =)

( pics )

i seriously think i am getting stupider
can you believe i was picked most likely to succeed in middle school and was known as the smart kid all throughout high school?

yea me neither

it's so depressing
Mediocrity is NOT acceptable
not in my life

:(

i think ill lay off the cheeba for a while

matchboxmelisa:the singer from my chemical romance got punched onstage at the show yesterday
matchboxmelisa: THAT was hilarious
everythingevil06: hahahahha
everythingevil06: by who?
matchboxmelisa: well he started ranting that concerts were a place to voice your opinion so if you hated them you could flip them off and say fuck you
matchboxmelisa: then he said that their fans would just flip you off and say fuck you and it would get confusing who's flipping who off
matchboxmelisa: so he said to make it clear, if you hated them, get past security, jump on stage, and punch him like a real man
matchboxmelisa: so one guy managed to get past security, jump onstage, and get in at least one good punch
everythingevil06: this is glorious
everythingevil06: that guy is my hero
matchboxmelisa: then security tackled him to teh ground adn dragged him off stage
matchboxmelisa: i felt sorry for the guy
matchboxmelisa: security has no right to do that to people
matchboxmelisa: i hope he sues
everythingevil06: fucjk
everythingevil06: so what did the lead singer do after the guy punched him?
matchboxmelisa: he dropped the mic... then he picked it up and finished the song. then he said that the guy punched like a pussy and that this wasn't toys r us kids
everythingevil06: he was prob crying backstage
matchboxmelisa: no doubt
matchboxmelisa: but from what i heard the security guards beat the guy up pretty good AND they were planning on pressing charges

pooor guy
stupid rockstar
Im so glad i didnt waste any of my money on the taste of chaos, i hate giving my money to jackass rockstars like him...
i'm bummed that i missed saosin, but id rather pay (less)money to see them at their own show anyways.

Life is so terribly dreary
i can't believe how reduced i am from last year
last year
in the dorms
where i was constantly surrounded by people, cool people i'm sure
that i never took the time to get to know
i had such motivation then
to do well in school
to study
now i could care less
i would rather sit here and
think empty thoughts
i wonder where that girl went
the one that was so eager to succeed
and now is failing and cutting classes
i wonder where i went wrong
and i wonder if life is ever going to look good again
friday nights are always so depressing for me
because i am such a recluse
people make me so uncomfortable
i could never be as outgoing as i'd like
and i don't care
apathy is a killer isn't it?
it's so easy to live life in apathy rather than care and risk getting hurt
and boys
i tell myself i want only the best
but i choose only the worst
"he's just not that into you"
thank you oprah
and now i wait
and i don't know what i am waiting for
but i am constantly standing still waiting
i think somewhere sometime
i fell in love with beauty and image and i wanted it all
and in the process forgot something about myself

the weather is warming up
maybe i am only going through a phase
a cold and bitter phase
i am happy sometimes, walking along the street
but life is no happy ending when i go to sleep at night
i am staying alone as long as possible
to test my will because i want to be independent again

i have such terrible relationships with people
its hard for me to stay friends with people
ive had so much potential with friends
but somewhere it all crumples
and ends before anything even gets started
i am different
i have always knew that
i try to dress and act and talk the same
but days like these my thoughts and feelings surface
and i go back to that stupid little girl that never quite understood why
she perferred to play alone
and never loved her parents quite as much as she should
and i'd like to say that things won't stay this way forever
but i really don't want to jinx myself

what a stupid entry
i think i'm going to dissapear and try to be a better person

"Maybe it meant something. Maybe not, in the long run... but no explanation, no mix of words or music or memories can touch that sense of knowing that you were there and alive in that corner of time and the world. Whatever it meant...."
-Fear and Loathing

R.I.P. Good Doctor.

I woke you up and I slit the throat of your confidence,
And we laughed in the night,
And I felt alright.

 

This town is frozen in time

The years go by

You can see it by the

Lines etched on their faces

But life is the same

Grudges never die

Feelings never change

No one grows

Everyone returns

They live inebriated

A haze  

I wonder how anyone can stay here

I wonder why I come back to this town

why not

The sun is always in my eye

Wherever I go

the key to all of life's blunders and upsets is APATHY

tiight

I'm getting there!

you ever notice that people are so much nicer to you when you are mean to them, but if you go out of your way to be nice to them they treat you like shit? yep, i notice this in everyone, i love getting screwed over

I was on the bus today and i was listening to a girl tell her friend about omg a hawt boy she and her roommate was fighting over, and it hit me- how stupid it sounds when you are the person listening in.  I just thought, damn, this isn't what life is all about, no way

I hate people- the bikers that try to run me over on a daily basis, the stupid large drops of water that hit me right in the eye when i walk under a building, the happy little brats that wear bright rainboots because they are tall and have long leggs, the stupid rain that makes my day cold and dreary, the only good thing is my big umbrella to block my view so i dont have to look at any of you fuckers.

Living my life day by day
my face always set in a certain way
i notice nothing extraordinary
nothing that makes me pause
long enough and hold my gaze
i see you are all the same
lost in worlds trivial to everyone but your own
i am no different
slice my heart open and dig in
i do not resist
it is yours for the taking
go ahead and try
you'll see
you cannot break a heart that does not exist
the idea of companionship is so glamorous
so bright that it blinds
like a brilliant little firefly
cloaked in darkness
but it means nothing
"Roses and poetry, is that all you want to be?"
beauty means nothing

I am desperate
for something more

6 nights ago
my eyes came upon a wreck
that screamed passion at me
I ached for his pain
because i no longer felt any of my own


after months of bitching about feeling too much, i discovered that it is better to feel something than nothing at all
silly me

Why is a man apt to feel bad in a good environment, say suburban Short Hills, New Jersey, on an ordinary Wednesday afternoon? Why is the same man apt to feel good in a very bad environment, say an old hotel on Key Largo during a hurricane?

What is the difference between a commuter who feels bad without knowing why, and another commuter who feels bad without knowing why but begins to read a book about a man who feels bad without knowing why?

Why does it make a man feel better to read about a man like himself feeling bad?

Why is the good life men have achieved in the twentieth century so bad that only news of world catastrophes, assassinations, plane crashes, mass murders, can divert one from the sadness of ordinary mornings?

Why do young people look so sad, the very young who, seeing how sad their elders are, have sought a new life of joy and freedom with each other, but who instead of finding joy end up even sadder than their elders?

If beasts can be understood as organisms living in environments which are good or bad and to which the beast responds accordingly as it has evolved to respond, how is man to be understood if he feels bad in the best environment?

- Walker Percy, The Message in the Bottle

 

nothing spoils a good mood more than a
no-good-backstabbing-snake-in-the-grass

its like biting into a bad peanut

i guess if everyone liked you, life would be awfully boring wouldnt it